Losing myself in motherhood
So after a long hectic day’s work at home doing the chores, washing, cooking, feeding my baby, and finally helping him sleep…, here I get some time towards the midnight.
I am a Mother of a 1 year 4 months old toddler … who keeps me on toes all day long.
Since the day I became mother of my sweety pie, I don’t remember having done anything to pamper myself or even finding time to enjoy being on my own without thinking about the tasks that lie ahead!
My day starts with feeding my child, preparing breakfast for the family, but I can’t eat my meal properly as the baby might be hungry, fussy, or pooping at that time.
I was always an ambitious person who wanted to be independent in making life's decisions. Handling schedules and finances was something I always sought. But thanks to this amazing phase of life I am nowhere even near to where I wanted to be. A “stay-at-home mom”, unable to find time for herself. Oh and let’s not even talk about a career or even social outings.
I don’t know how people used to take care of so many kids in older times; they literally gave birth to a cricket team at home. But now raising a single child seems a challenge to me, or in all probability to anyone of my generation. Though my life now revolves around my kiddo,I don’t want myself to loose my identity in it. I don’t want to leave behind the cute, bubbly girl I was & live only to meet other’s expectations from me. From becoming a super mother, to an error free, multitasking home manager. The monotonous routine at home makes me think of the degree I worked so hard to earn. Even going to the gym or a dance class seems far fetched.
Hoping Am not sounding self-obsessed or selfish for I sure am not. All I want is to not end up being someone who’s only claim to fame is that she’s a “mom”. Its indeed the "best title" in the world, but I want to go beyond that. I want my family to understand that I too want to groom myself and love to have a space just like everyone else has at home except me. For I have a 24*7 responsibility towards the baby. Even when he’s asleep(he only sleeps for 1-1.5 hour max during the day) I only do the things like making food for him, for myself ,doing the clothes, cleaning up the mess in the entire house. And within minutes I can hear a voice crying…Oh!! My baby has woken up.
Depending on my husband for everything like taking me out for a while, give me some money and also giving justification like what’s the point in buying new fancy clothes and accessories when I am at home only, which ended up in buying Pyjamas, Night suits and T-shirt is the thing I hate the most!! Such things disturb me and leave me with a heavy heart, remembering the days when I was so free to do anything, I could go where I wanted to, I could buy what I liked (without thinking much) , watch a movie, hangout with friends, pamper myself at a good salon….Where have these those Old Gold Days gone??
I have seen people of my age doing jobs leaving their small kids at home with grandparents or at daycare.I can’t even afford a full-time nanny or a good daycare.
What makes me more sad is that I live far away from my parents and my sis who’s married. The locality where I live again adds “icing on the cake” to my situation as there is no single lady of my age. So meeting any relative or making new friends is next to impossible.
Seeds of my frustration and anger are being nurtured with boring monotonous household tasks, dependency on my husband,meeting everyone's expectations. But I don’t want all this to effect my sweet innocent child as this is the best time in his life to enjoy childhood and do the naughty things which even makes him more cute.
So choosing a platform to express my thoughts and regain my sanity is something I would prefer as of now.
I want to discover “myself” in the journey of motherhood.
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